Drowning willfully

Drowning willfully

Tonight was one of those nights that hit me like a lead balloon to the stomach. Out of nowhere. No warning. No heads up.

It was odd. Looking backwards it was almost like my body had a premonition that my brain was blindsided by. As after an afternoon meeting that really should have had me feeling slightly more relaxed, I came home and shut down a bit. I had an hour of godawful stomach cramps with no clue why. And then they were gone. As if they’d never been there.

So I did the normal things. Put children to bed after feeding them dinner. Sat down to browse FB…. as you do.

Boom.

I read a post by a family member. Talking about him. And as soon as I saw mention of him I quite literally froze. I felt instantly nauseous and at the same time, oddly compelled to keep reading. And it wasn’t good. He’s in hospital facing crippling surgery and life threatening illness. His body is shutting down.

And I feel like the most awful person in the world right now because my first thought was so horrible.

I actually thought ‘good’

Because he deserves to die horribly after what he did. Karma gets her man in the end. Every time.

And then the nausea hit me again because with my family members final words, asking for prayers for their family. I realised that they were hurting. Genuinely pained. And because they have no idea, and I will never tell them….. to them they are losing someone they love. Watching someone they love go to hell and back. And I’m tearing myself into shreds.

Because I feel like wishing him dead is wishing them pain. But then is the pain I feel daily, reason enough to wish pain on an entire family?

I’m struggling so much right now. Struggling to breathe and struggling to find my equilibrium in a world that feels like its suddenly been tilted on its axis and like every footstep leads to a place where I can’t find the air or the light.

Am I a horrible person for feeling like he deserves every second of pain?

I feel like I am and the guilt over my emotions right now is so heavy.

I feel like right now I want to walk into the ocean and let the water cover my head and I just want to float into the darkness and never come back.

I can’t figure out how to feel or how to feel without it hurting so much. And when I thought getting some of this out of my brain was helping me…. suddenly it’s not helping. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what to do….

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